There are tons of ideas on the internet about childhood and parenthood. And there is a wide spectrum of people among them who are borderline idiots or product sellers, few of them are educated helpers. Even though I am not a parent, I have something to say about childhood and parenthood, but I won't try to educate you. First and foremost, this subject is too personal and subjective and sensitive. I will try to give you different angles on childhood and parenthood. In this post I will try to find ideal ways and I will try to point out obvious mistakes.
We are told that family is the smallest entity of a society or something like that. But we don't just reproduce and populate, we adjust, grow, improve, produce. And also we sometimes become useless to society and need care but that is another issue. The concept of family prepares the individuals to let them grow with their own families later. So this is sort of a feedback matter for the continuity of the species. If you produce bad off-springs, they will produce more of it. Ok, this much is pretty much known. So why don't you try your best when it comes to be a parent? Do you understand childhood and parenthood? Understanding parenthood is also about understanding childhood, so you are the responsible one, not your kids.
Today, we have some dire situations around the world. A lot of child death and poverty and child labor and even child abuse issues are known. We have degenerated societies too and they either lack the qualifications of parenting or outright bad people producing more bad people. So if you want to talk about childhood and parenthood in a normal way, you have to disregard the worst cases. But as I have stated before, those conditions will not get better on their own over time, it will get worse and the world should be aware of this. The situation of the world is closely tied to this.
From biological perspective, I don't have a certain threshold for childhood but I think it is roughly the development stage for brain and body. Body is mostly in our control but brain is a huge complex thing and it can only be guided, rather than directly shaped. So, childhood is the phase that requires most care from mental perspective. But you can't let a children do that since they are already developing and questioning. You need to observe and guide the developing brain. This requires experience of both parenting and childhood. The developing brain of a child will question, try to make sense, utilize things for joy or benefit. It is like an absorbing machine but it also have an invisible logic crank. That cranck is not so mysterious but has different mechanisms. Because there are different age groups and there are certain dominant changes on the brain.
So after understanding the biological side a little bit, the more important perspective of childhood is the logical perspective. You can't just assume all the developmental stages would have the same tendencies or abilities. If you consider a toddler, that one will be mostly investigating but not much properly understanding. You can't be sure if your message is clear to a toddler because they don't have much basics installed yet. So I am guessing something like the terrible two stage is happening because tendencies are strong but abilities are weak. After a couple of years, the reality is more present in the mind of a child. It will have tendencies but it will also have a grasp. At this stage, you also have to understand what a child can understand and how. But not every child will be the same. They will start showing up mother's or father's fingerprints or I guess maybe even relatives'. So you actually have small clues for you. I think a lot of parents disregard this fact or ignore it or deny it. But your child is partially you and it is a good thing. You can have an idea how your children's brain might work.
The ages of a child around 4-9 could be manipulable phase. You can trick your kid or maybe even force things. After around 10 years old or so, they will start getting more ideas and knowledge and perspective on things. So after this point, the puberty shows up. They have tendencies and some knowledge and a clear goal, in most cases. Some kids don't have a clear goal in life and it can be either because of an unstimulated childhood or traumatic past. Those goals can be harmful, unproductive or shortsighted. I would guess this is the hardest part of the parenthood because now you actually meet your creation and they won't listen to you and they think they know. You can't easily trick or force your child at this stage, you must cooperate. You let them explain without judgement and assure them that you are the friend not the enemy. Because any divergence from their tendencies might seem hostile to them. Even if you are not seen as enemy, they can just be stubborn as a goat. This phase is like an experimental phase with limited knowledge and a lot of will power. Especially after puberty years, that kid is no longer a kid. They can grow by themselves. They can acknowledge their own tendencies and abilities and knowledge. It is a trial phase of a human.
You realize parenthood and childhood is a mixed concept sometimes. So let's try to focus on parenting a little bit. But mostly, you realize in order to be a good parent, you need to understand what is going on in the childhood phase and I can't, and nobody can, tell you what to do exactly.
As I have mentioned before, I won't try to tell you what to do. I said this subject is very subjective and personal because even though the mechanics are similar for a child, the outcome can be drastically different and you can have drastically different circumstances. But this is also the hardest point of parenting. It requires adjusting. You can't expect a child to adjust to you, so you will have to come up with some solution specific to your situation. Furthermore, there are no specific rule book for parenting and obviously there can't be one. But key requirements would be empathy, patience and tolerence. You don't have to be a professor or anything.
Another aspect of parenthood could be self-reflection. That requires 2 things. Gathering what you can about parenting from your parents or books or acquaintances or even internet if you want. And also, sitting down and assessing yourself to see if you are actually involved in parenthood or just an "enforcer of rules". You should never assume you are doing the best. You might be trying your best but it could be wrong or inadequate. Parenting is not math, you can interpret mistaken truths or apply the wrong approaches.
Parenting first requires the acknowledgement of responsibility. Aside from some dominant genetic traits, your child is your responsibility. If you let your kid grow on itself, the result will be shaped because of your lack of intervention and it will probably not be ideal. Regardless of parents or friends, that kid will be influenced and shaped with human interaction. You don't have the luxury to let someone else shape your kid. Also, keeping them alone and separated from other people is also a bad idea because they will be undercooked and won't be able to fit in the society. You have to be there, not just physically or financially. You must exists in their life, ideally as a role model or maybe a friend if you want. Even some frictions or fights could be better than nothing. Being the authority is not parenting, it is partially a requirement. Don't abuse your authority. It is just a matter of finding the way to enforce authority. I guess I would try establishing trust first, so that my kid knows I have reasons to set rules. People say kids will do what you do, not what you say. So you are the first one to be the example.
In parenting, I have some subjective opinions and I realize that. How are you going to be authority, is it necessary, how much freedom would be healthy for your kid, how much involvement should you have, is your kid an introvert or an extrovert, what kind of environment does your kid have and etc... Don't be burntout trying to be 100% correct. You can make unintentional mistakes and your kid can forget it or forgive you, assuming you are mostly trying to communicate and establish a balanced relationship. Because after some time, your kid will start understanding you too. Just because you slapped your kid in a heated argument, does not necessarily mean it is the end of the world. You can apologize later and explain yourself if your kid is willing to listen to you. Mistakes can be corrected if you have communication. Remember, a friend can make a mistake but an enemy causes harm. So that is why I suggest trying to be a friend.
Your parenting will be scored but not evaluated by your kid. Maybe when they grow up, they might understand why did you do certain things. You have to be ready for this. You will need some time alone or need to take a break, but it may not be always possible. Your spouse should be there for you, complementing your deficits or helping you with your needs or giving you the free time or space. A burntout parent will not be any good for a kid, you first have to take care of yourself and prevent harm to yourself. I have never mentioned this, but I realize parenting is not easy and it is not meant to be easy for humans. Unless you are fully aware of this and the weight of your responsibilities, you shouldn't be a parent. That would be irresponsible. But nobody can judge you for not wanting to have a child and be a parent.
Woman or the man? Who will actually "be there"? Also, does it have to be a man and a woman to form a parent duo? This is subjective territory but I would find biologically different beings to be in charge. Because both sides contain different aspects or perspectives about parenthood. Having two different mindsets would give you an advantage. I do see a traditional marriage most sensical. There is a general similarity we observe and girls tend to idealize their fathers and boys are under influence of their mothers. This is another reason that makes me think one man and one woman is the ideal situation. If you are alone by yourself, you might have to compensate the absence of the other parent, either by trying to mount the role or marrying again. It is completely up to you, I think presenting both a father and a mother figure to a child is ideal.
There are styles of parenting, like gentle or authoritive or strict and etc... But claiming that only one of them is the right way is preposterous. You must know your child and try to navigate. Maybe %50 strict %50 permissive approach could be the best. Maybe it is not about percentages or rules. It might be just a matter of assessing the situations while also considering your children. Even identical twins can have different personalities, which I described as tendencies and abilities above. If you are consciously trying to do your best and avoiding mistakes, you know best, not anyone else. The capitalist ideas to sell you parenting styles is harmful. Educating about parenting is good but the ones on the Instagram or Tiktok are usually try to change your direction too, by asking manipulative questions to you to confuse you. They either want to dismantle societial basics or sell you something.
Having siblings for a child can drastically change the circumstances. Some can react badly and shut themselves away form parents because they may feel betrayed. Some children on the other hand, can get too attached to the sibling and avoid having friends and can't develop social skills.
You children can be bullied. This issue deserves a whole paragraph. Because not all parents will try to grow an ideal child. And those children will have effects on others if left unchecked. In schools or in neighborhood, your child might be experiencing harmful behavior, either physically or psychologically or even digitally. You can't be a guarding angel against these, but you have to make sure that your kid can and should be open to you, no matter what. I would suggest teaching your kid to speak up to bullies but I know this is not for every kid and I know bullying has different ways. Kids are usually resilient but a lot of parents just think their children can grow on their own. Letting trauma sink in to the personality of your child is irresponsible.
You can't always tell what is right or wrong, so don't be too confident all the time. You can't teach the right and wrong as black and white to your kid either and they will question you. You have to present the will to find the ideals and good in life to your kid and be openminded too. Parents partially grow up with their children and this is healthy and normal and expected. You shouldn't give the impression of parents are always right. But they should observe that parents know more. That would spark respect in their eyes.
Putting expectations on your kids is a huge mistake. Having expectations could be humane but enforcing them on your kids is both shortsighted and selfish. Your kid will be open to manipulation and you don't have the luxury to shape them the way to see fit. You don't have the luxury to put them under pressure to fit your measurements too. I don't say you must be affirmative all the time and regardless of what they do or try to be. But shaping their life according to your vision can and will backfire as an unfulfilled and traumatic life, not only childhood. Because you hadn't give them the chance to discover themselves and grow in a fulfilling path. Yes, your kids can have bad ideas and 100% freedom is definitely harmful. But it is more about preventing harm than shaping the truth. Give them the ingredients to grow and let them grow.
Speaking of preventing harm, protecting your kid from drug abuse or social media danger or basic harmful behavior like speeding in a car, is also a big issue about parenting. You can try to teach good things and be an example. But at some point, they can drift off and start behaving bad or accepting harmful stuff. This part is a mistery for me. I might try to scare my kids about the dangers, rather than strictly setting rules or supervision. I might try to teach them reasoning so that they can form ideas and eventually avoid harmful stuff. This is scary stuff because prohibitions can also urge curiosity. The other kids will also have influence on them. The environment they grow is important for kids. They will mostly form a small world with their friends or peers because they don't have authority on real world. The status among friends is important to them just like having a cool job or a house or a car is important to us. So, unless your kid is nailed in the house, they will face influences and urges. Something has to be there to keep them in control. Religion is not the answer to keep your children in line. Consciousness and awareness is more important but you need to install those in your kid somehow.
How much right does a parent have on their kid? How much for a father and a mother? Personally, I don't claim to have much rights on my hypothetical kids. A mother can have rights because a mother is doing the 90% of the parenting. But I would ask this: What rights do parents have? You don't have the right to determine their jobs for example. You obviously have the right to set rules and this is given to you freely, even though not every person is cut out for parenting. But do you have the right to select the school they will go, decide the friends they will meet, decide the person they will marry? Do they have to adjust their life to take care of you when you get older? These questions are controversial but we are actually looking at the wrong direction. It is not about having rights, it is about consensus. Your kid is not your item or a robot, your kid is a human being. They might eventually let you control some things at certain points. They must know that "they can ask their parents". Afterwards, you should let them have their own knowledge and make their own decisions. You should also be the additive guidance for them not the deciding force.
Religion and parenting is a controversial combo. Some say you don't need religion, some say religious beliefs are the core concepts to set your kids straight. I strongly lean towards cause and effect based parenting rather than relying on a doctrine. That doesn't mean I won't teach my kids things that are aligned with my religion. Well, at this point, "your religion" is the key issue. My religion basically says "be a good person, don't harm others or yourself, acknowledge god". We can argue this later. What does your religion say and is it healthy? Does your religion have the framework to raise a child? Does your religion acknowledge the variety and empathy and communication? I don't have a clear guide on this manner but I am most definitely sure that whatever religion you have, parenting and religion has intersections relationship, rather than inclusion. I mean, parenting doesn't cover all religion and religion doesn't cover all parenting. They intersect at some level and you be the judge of that.
I realize poverty is a thing in this world. But there is also tech stuff and abundance of toys too. So that means your kids might have less than what you had or more than ever. First, imagination is a necessity and must be nurtured in a kid. Regardless of your kids having toys and devices, you have to make sure their imagination has room to grow. Of course poverty is bad but having less toys could increase social or imaginative skills. And a rich kid who is jumping from one toy to another one or another device or a game, will not be satisfied and also will not try to discover more and it will stagnate imagination. Being poor is not a crime and I know it would be hurting, but instead of constantly presenting this fact to your kid and causing hopelessness, you can try to teach them to adjust to the situation. They can have less but they can be happy with their parents and the games they create.
Psychology is a strong element in parenting and childhood. I told you to make sure your health is optimized so that you can take care of a child. You should consider a specialist if you are having troubles yourself. But also, kids can and probably will have psychological treats too. Some behaviors can be adjusted or tolerated or managed but there are some levels that requires professional touch. We are not psychiatrists and we shouldn't always assume to know the best. Parents can know their children the best but the right behavior might differ. Or sometimes, literal intervention might be required because you may not know the right thing to do.
Speaking of psychology, repeating the mistakes of your parents are seriously narrowminded. I mean haven't you learned anything at all? There are lots of examples, women turning into their mothers or men turning into their fathers. But you also have will and consciousness of yourself don't you? A normal person would recognize mistakes and avoid them.
There is also the generational gap and intergenerational conflict. This is the part that I would judge people. Parents expect their children to understand them, which in reality it should be the other way around. The old generation is not keeping up with the evolutions and assume their understanding is the right way. But maybe their understanding can be flawed and corrected over time. Or, maybe new era might bring new and better opportunities too. Yes new generation can also invent bad things but it is your job to guide and don't expect people to be fundamentalists. People must be openminded and it is a good thing. Whatever the old generation has, they are subjected to change. Try to keep the good stuff and get rid of the bad stuff. Your kids can have a vastly different world and today, we have a rapidly changing world. Try keeping up.
So how do I summarize parenting and childhood? Stimulation is important. Reality check is important. Togetherness is important. Let them grow with freedom and supervision. Play games, ask questions, let them imagine and answer. Let them make mistakes but always remind them the reality. Respect them and educate yourself so they respect you back. This will be a unique and probably a hard journey and it won't be a short one. If your kids experience of a functional family, they are likely to establish a healthy one in the future. See you at the next post :)
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